(Trigger warning for vague references to raping/drugging people and a couple of links with more direct references to and discussions of rape/sexual assault.)
Work has been downright ridiculous lately–I have had so much to do! But part of that is a bit of a mask. I have been having a hard time trying to figure out what to do on here, despite having hundreds of drafts that I can tag and post.
But there’s a part of me that’s having a hard time checking Tumblr outside of one specific person’s tags. This is due to the recent allegations against Toby Turner (who you might know as Tobuscus).
I have not been through the things the victims have been through. I can’t imagine comparing myself to them.
But it’s dredged up a lot of stuff that I honestly don’t want to think about. It reminds me of the days I kept my mouth shut, the days I should not have been silent.
There were days when my words disappeared into a void. It was like my voice box had been removed, and I silently let things happen around me. I let myself be manipulated because I was too trusting, and I forgave too many lies.
I just keep thinking about the day that I lost my voice.
I still have panic attacks that start with a very specific trigger because of that day. I can’t make them stop, no matter how much I come to terms with that day, with that person having treated me that way.
It is an old scar. But just like the scar on my knee that I can’t seem to stop from busting, it keeps opening up again and again, with more frequency now.
The experience that strains me so much is in the minor leagues–I know it. It’s not even worth you asking about, honestly. But so many things built up inside me that day, and I popped a cork in it.
I separated myself from that person a couple of weeks later and am still cyberstalked by him to this day (about every 1.5 years now).
After that day, I realized a lot of things about myself. I realized that I am not a person who can keep silent every time something goes wrong.
You can see a difference in my personality there, right? I no longer held my voice back. I stood up and shouted “I will not be silent.”
And guess what? Nothing came of it. The comments were non-specific enough that the police couldn’t do anything, and none of my friends stopped hanging out with the guy.
But the story of Toby Turner shouldn’t end that way. If he truly is treating people this way, then this behavior needs to be stopped. Now.
And it starts with you. Yes, you.
If criminal acts have been performed upon you without your consent, it’s your turn to speak up.
The time is now. Take solidarity with your fellow victims and stand tall. You are in good company.
If you have been victimized and violated by someone, then you need to step forward. The only way things will get resolved is if everyone steps up and does their part.
Take a deep breath. We are here with you, and we are here for you.
It is your turn to help the world become a better place. Don’t let people get away with hurting you this way.
Tell your story. Your voice will be one of many. Please, refuse to be silent.