Food Network Gothic


Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives is on. They play 5 episodes in a row. They play the same five episodes again. And again. And again.

You are watching Chopped. Someone is crying over an unsupportive parent. You wonder what it has to do with their food. The answer is nothing. The judges chop them. The pasta water was not salted. 

You are watching Chopped. A chef claims to be above a basket ingredient. They have not yet realized they are competing on TV for money. They serve uncooked chicken. 

You are watching Chopped. For the dessert round, the ingredients are ground beef, cilantro, horse hooves and a rare fruit from Alaska that is poisonous if not peeled correctly. Both chefs make bread pudding and open the oven every 30 seconds to check it. 

Bobby Flay has a new show. No one asked for Bobby Flay to have a new show. You wonder why no one has punched Bobby Flay on his show. You look up how to be a contestant on Bobby Flays show for the express purpose of punching him in the face when you meet him on his show. You watch three episodes.

A new daytime cooking show has appeared. You have never seen the host before. Their aunt is a guest and insults how they cook. They are already on season 6.

Ina Garten is having a dinner party. She has invited her friend who is a florist, her friend who does tablescapes, her friend who owns a bakery, her friend who owns a cafe in paris, her friend who has connections to an underground truffle ring, a friend who knows where the truffle pigs do not forage, a friend who owes Ina big time, a friend who can carry something roughly the weight of a medium sized human named Jeffery who missed his Friday chicken dinner and threw Ina a subpar anniversary party and should have known that store bought was NOT fine, and a friend who owns a million dollar fishing shack in Nantucket.

Giada is carefully sounding out words in an Italian accent. You didn’t know you said the names of so many ingredients wrong. You are not sure Giada knows this either. 

There is a contest show about food trucks. Someone tries to sell a quesadillia off a truck for $25. There appears to be a line around the block. You question your college degree choices.

Iron Chef has given Morimoto a voice over. He is speaking perfectly understandable english. 

Cupcake Wars is on. One contestant tries to put meat in a cupcake. The judges eat cupcakes gravely, with faces like they are sentencing people to death. The theme is clowns. 

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