was cruisin my tl & this is so fucking important
i think the moment i was disillusioned about life was when i was maybe 7 years old and realized the reason all my friends had become assholes was because boys aren’t allowed to have any physcial contact that isn’t fighting
my parents were hippie feminists so my brother and i could play clapping games and sleep in puppy piles and give each other weird hairdos, but all the ‘normal’ boys just up and stopped knowing how to touch anyone without hitting sometime between kindergarten and first grade
and my little kid mind briefly saw the vastness of life stretching out in front of all of us, and all the hugs everyone would need and not get, and for a moment i was just like
maybe life is not such a good idea after all
I grew up around a Russian ballet school. Let me tell you something about Russian men: They touch each other. Especially dancers, who are in my experience almost always super tactile people. They rough house like Americans, but they also hug each other, and sit on each other’s laps, and share blankets when it’s cold backstage.
So I grew up knowing full well that the whole Men Don’t Touch thing was puritanical bullshit.
What I was absolutely not prepared for, however, is the super intense effect it has on straight men’s romantic relationships.
Because when you are literally the only person it is okay for your boyfriend to touch, Jesus fucking Christ, that changes the game.
I strongly suspect that a lot of Str8 Dude feelings of entitlement to women’s bodies, particularly the bodies of their wives and girlfriends, is a direct result of those women being the only non-violent physical contact they’re allowed to have.
I know for certain that the framing of any and all platonic physical contact as un-manly has been directly responsible for a lot of sexual dysfunction (and then the attendant misery of trying to get that treated at the ripe old age of 22) with at least one of my exes. It’s a mess when you can’t get it up because you’re depressed and want to be held but you’ve been brainwashed into thinking what you actually want is sex because being held is for girls.
Amazing how the erectile dysfunction went completely away when he learned the difference between feeling horny and feeling cuddly. /sarcasm
“I strongly suspect that a lot of Str8 Dude feelings of entitlement to women’s bodies, particularly the bodies of their wives and girlfriends, is a direct result of those women being the only non-violent physical contact they’re allowed to have.”
Omfg
No wonder the worst of them seem crazy… profound isolation does exactly that
When I taught in Japan, the boys were all super comfortable with each other. They’d sit on laps and hug and roughhouse and it wasn’t seen as bad ? Like it surprised me at first, but then you realize the problem is with so many men feeling that they have to prove… something? I dunno. I personally don’t like hugs or touches, but that is my own personal reasons and nothing of how I was brought up.
Thank you all for this. Specifically @ferenofnopewood.
Because when you are literally the only person it is okay for your boyfriend to touch, Jesus fucking Christ, that changes the game.
Things I never thought of…I couldn’t imagine if my husband were the only person I was allowed to touch. As I think on it, that extends to the kids, too. The dudes aren’t allowed to really even cuddle their own damned children or nieces and nephews.
Wow.
And then we create a world of fan works where every single male relationship that is intimate in any way is immediately sexualized into slash, including sibling intimacy. We are so unable to let two men be emotionally close or to touch each other non-sexually that every glance is interpreted through slash goggles and even brothers are re-written as sex partners.
Because lets face it, women are 100% complicit in ensuring that the only intimacy that is allowable for men to express is sexual intimacy.
This is so sad actually I’m one step from crying. American culture is so incredibly FUCKED UP. I can’t stop asking why and where it comes from, and I don’t get the answer. What did you do to yourselves and your children?
As @greyhairedgeekgirl said: “Because lets face it, women are 100% complicit in ensuring that the only intimacy that is allowable for men to express is sexual intimacy”.
Everyone is “all men this and that” – but how they grow up? Who’s raising them this way?
Apparently growing up in Eastern Europe under Communism was the pits, but you know what – no, no, it wasn’t.
@cricketcat9, it come from toxic so-called Christianity and it comes from the legacy of extreme homophobia that resulted from this sex-negative, woman-hating religion sweeping across America starting in the mid-70s as a backlash to hippie culture. It’s a fucking nightmare that has to end.
^^^ yes, it’s about time. I live in South America, and when I say this, I automatically hear “machismo” more often than not. I’m not saying it does not exist, but: young kids and teenagers from school across the road hold hands or put their arms around a friend’s shoulders when walking – mixed pairs, same sex pairs, nobody blinks. Men hug, actually everybody hugs, friends kiss you on the cheeks. Parents hug and hold their kids – boys and girls. Indigenous kids spend time on the mom’s back until they can walk and beyond. Touch is normal, as are emotions, as are teenaged love confessions sprayed on a wall. South America – much less fucked up than North, at least where I am. BTW – breastfeeding can happen anywhere – normal.