Normal Horoscope:


Aries: would you trust you do do that? What’s the biggest trust you would trust you to do? Start there minus 20% trust-mass and do 3 sets of 8 reps.

Taurus: Keep a notebook by your bed, even if you don’t write. Come morning it will hold some magestic dribble from your own subconscious.

Gemini: The best apples are at the top back but who has that kind of time? People making a pie. That’s who. Know when you are making a pie.

Cancer: Life is short, aim carefully. People aren’t perfect, use explosives.

Leo: Interesting people with insufferable opinions always know how to use a semicolon correctly. Grammar is for people with nothing to say.

Virgo: The star responsible for your horoscope tonight was temporarily lost in an Ikea and too tired from all the excitement that followed. Check in tomorrow when they are rested.

Libra: You are a light in the dark. Finally those home bioluminescence experiments were good for something.

Scorpio: Throw off suspicion by wiggling your eyebrows dramatically. Nobody in trouble ever pulls shit like that.

Ophiuchus: Adrenaline is truly a double edged sword. Responsible for bursts of heroic strength as well as flop sweat. Everyone knew someone like adrenaline.

Sagittarius: Support your community with large stilts. Get to it buddy you heard the stars.

Capricorn: Make an impression! Brand your likeness into the dining room table. Threaten to do it to other surfaces! Continue the conversation.

Aquarius: You love it. It’s horrific. What’s the problem?

Pisces: The position of Mars says you should consider bending backwards at the spine on the bus tomorrow, upsetting several people with your cries for help, and then revealing the whole thing to be a prank. People need a shake up.

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