one of the things nobody warns you about escaping abusive relationships is the constant yelling in your head of all the things you wish you’d had the strength to say.
i played nice even after i escaped to keep the situation civil until i could move cities – she still tried to stab me in the back but i kept my dignity at least – and over a year later i’m still having “fights” in my head off all the things i wish i’d said, the closure i didn’t get.
no power on this earth could make me resume contact – not even to tell her off – but some nights its all i think about, just screaming all the things i wanted to say but it was too dangerous to speak up.
i’ve worked extensively in therapy about all of that, including “time travel” where you think back, put the pause button on and talk to your younger self. sometimes i just want to throw a punch.
the point of this post is, the “yelling” in your head? its normal. its part of pts. don’t fight it but don’t let it fester. learn from it, gently redirect it. its okay to be angry. something bad happened to you and its natural to be angry (there’s no “right” way to feel) and it doesn’t make you a bad person. what you do with it makes a difference.
its gonna be okay.